His Best Valentine's Gift
What will you get your husband for Valentine's Day? A romantic dinner? A sweet or funny card? Tickets to an event? Some bedroom romance? You might be surprised about what might make him feel the most loved. And, it doesn't cost a penny. The answer: Your respect.
Whereas women crave love and affection as their very top need in marriage, one of a man's top needs (in addition to physical intimacy) is respect. This need is so important, that in her book, For Women Only, author Shaunti Feldhahn shares that 74% of men would rather feel alone and unloved than inadequate and disrespected. This finding is also shared in the book, "His Needs Her Needs." The author, Willard F. Harley Jr. shares that in his research that one of a husband's top 5 needs in a marriage is admiration or respect. In fact, many men failed to be able to discern the difference between love and respect. As Shaunti so clearly outlines in her book, "If your husband feels disrespected, he is going to feel unloved."
I don't think any wife goes into a marriage with the intention of being disrespectful to her man! But, over time little disappointments, frustrations, and resentments can build. These can lead to a sharp tone, a critical spirit or words, trying to control outcomes, and cutting sarcasm. To a man, these all represent disrespect. If a man feels disrespected, most likely he will shut down and retreat or lash out in anger. Both of these actions feel very unloving to a wife - and as mentioned, love is what we crave the most!
So what are some simple ways we can spread respect, and therefore love, to our Valentine?
1) Say Thank You.
One of the most simple things we can do as a wife is simply say "thank you" for the contributions he makes. Is he a good provider? Tell him. Is he a wonderful dad? Express your gratitude. Does he faithfully take out the trash? Make sure he knows that you notice his efforts. Yes, we enjoy being thanked as well! And, yes, we certainly do a lot for our family too. But, remember, respect is one of his tops needs. And, this is just one small way to show it.
2) Speak Positively of Him in Public.
This was one of the strongest themes that emerged in Shaunti's research about respect. Men don't really want to be teased in public, let alone criticized. When their wife, one of the few that really knows them well, has critical or negative things to share in front of others, many man are demoralized, embarrassed,and hurt. On the other hand, the opposite is true. When a wife can share a positive story about her husband, or compliment him in front of others, he feels loved, appreciated, and yes - respected.
3) Respect His Abilities.
It's easy to respect a husband's abilities when he is really good at something and it benefits us! But, it's much harder sometimes for a wife to allow a husband to figure something out on their own - without a wife's input. However, according to "For Women Only" many men want - and even need - to figure things out for themselves. Therefore, when a wife says, "Honey will you please ask...", or "Can I just help you...," or "You know you really should..." these can all be taken as disrespectful. Often allowing him to have space and support to do things his way can go a long way toward showing respect.
4) Apologize as Needed.
There are times when we might get this whole respect thing wrong. A snarky comment or condescending tone might make its way into a conversation. When that happens, simply stop, acknowledge our mistake, and apologize. Saying something like, "I'm sorry I did that - that was disrespectful. I know that I can trust you." is often enough.
5) Assume the Best.
Everyone wants others to assume the best of them. This is true of both spouses in a marriage as well. We can demonstrate respect when we ask questions to understand. We prioritize respect when we choose to communicate rather than jumping to a conclusion. This can be more challenging when tempers are short, or the particular life scenario has occurred already in the past. However, assuming the best is always the best course of action and demonstrates respect.
Need one more reason to consider prioritizing respect in your marriage? It benefits you! When a man feels respected at home, he is actually more successful everywhere else. One man put it this way in the book, "You know that saying 'Behind every good man is a great women?' Well, that is SO true. If a man's wife is supportive and believes in him, he can conquer the world - or at least his little corner of it. He will do better at work, at home, everywhere."
Even though it might not make the top 10 list for Best Valentine's Gifts, respect may be the most impactful and loving thing we can give to our man this holiday. What is one way you want to respect your Valentine this year?